The worst day of my life

Well, this is not the topic I wanted to discuss for my 50th post, but unfortunately things don't always work out the way we want.  I can think of a few bad days in recent years...the day I was laid off, just about a month and a half ago; the day my grandfather passed away; the day my grandmother passed away.  Each day was tough to deal with, in it's own way, but I managed.  Yesterday, my father passed away.  It's still sinking in, but this, by far is the worst day of my life.  I have a mixed bag of emotions, and a lot going on.

I got the call from my mom around 6am.  My dad had been in WI for work, about 5 hours north of us.  He had been a healthy person, so this was totally unexpected.  He had been sick with the flu the last couple of days leading up to this.  He wasn't able to eat or drink much, couldn't even drive due to being so weak, so my mom finally convinced him to get medical help due to how badly he sounded on the phone Wednesday night.  According to the records, he was admitted to the ER at 12:49am Thursday.  We later found out that he had called 911 and they had gone into his hotel room to get him.  At the ER, he displayed signs of septic shock, including a weak heart rate.  They immediately hooked up IV's with fluids and a full spectrum of antibiotics.  They also gave him some medication to help his weak heart rate.  He was improving, and they ran some tests, as well as doing a cat scan of his abdomen to look for the source of the infection. He was taken to the ICU, and from there they were planning on doing an MRI.  In the course of taking him to the MRI, his heart stopped suddenly.  When he had been admitted, they asked him about what he wanted in the case of needing resuscitation, and he said he wanted nothing.  It wasn't shocking to hear, as his living will says DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) also.  Therefore, they were not able to attempt to revive him.  The time of death was 5:11am.  They said he was alert and coherent when he was brought in, so they had no reason not to accept his response.  I'm guessing either he didn't think it was severe enough to warrant that, or he just didn't want to potentially be stuck on machines for any length of time.  The doctor we talked to wasn't the one who had actually treated my dad, so he was trying his best to relay all of the information 2nd hand.  They were unsure of the origin of the infection, and and they were also unsure of the reason for the heart trouble.  It could have been a heart attack, or just due to his weakened state.  The worst part of all of this is knowing he went through everything alone...

Several things have been running through my mind since we talked to the doctor.  What if he had gotten medical attention sooner?  What if the doctors had been allowed to take life-saving measures?  What was he thinking while he was being treated, and right up to the point where he passed away?  Then, I start questioning myself....did he know I loved him?  We aren't a very emotional family, rarely saying I love you, but showing it through actions and such.  It was written in cards, bu never said.  Did I do enough to make him proud?  I have always been more book smart than street smart...I'm not the handyman type, so he was always fixing things for me around the house.  He never complained, and always told me to call him if I needed anything, the typical dad even though I was out on my own and should have been doing things myself.  I am happy that I got my Bachelor's Degree while he was still with us, and I know he was quite proud of me at that moment.  I know the expectations that he had for me were higher than I had achieved to this point, but I will do my best to keep working toward my goals and making him proud.  I am lucky to have several memories of things we've done together, such as recently shooting my newest rifle for the first time with him.  There are many memories of hunting and fishing, family vacations, car buying, home repairs, and in just the last month, I helped him and my mom move into their new house.  It had just gotten finished in March, after their home, my childhood home, had caught fire last June and been declared a total loss.  The new home was built to look like a log cabin on the inside, as my mom had always wanted, and he at least was able to see the finished product and stay there for a short time before now.

Now, I have to turn my focus to the future.  There are so many things that I will have to do to help my mom.  Thankfully we have a great family that is willing able to step in and help out.  My brother lives in Texas and isn't able to make it back often, but my sister and her husband both live around us.  My mom's brother and sister, and her sister's husband, will help a lot also.  My cousin has and will be there for us to help with whatever we need as well.  The little things will be fine, but handyman stuff  and larger chores could be difficult as they come up.  Gathering the wood needed for the fireplace in the winter will be a difficult task, but with everyone pitching in we should be able to accomplish it in little time.  Aside from my mom, my biggest concern is my nephew, my sister's son.  His dad wasn't around much, and so my dad was his main father figure, and they were always together, whether in the garage working on cars, riding the 4-wheeler, or fishing and hunting.  He just recently turned 13, and he's definitely taking this hard.  For now, as with the rest of us, he just has to take things one day at a time, and do his best to get through this difficult time.

I do want to say thanks to all my friends and family who have offered their condolences and help of any kind in this time...While I may not need much at the moment, I am extremely grateful for all of the support that has been shown to me.  It's nice to see how many friends I really have caring about me, especially those on twitter or here, whom I've never met but took the time to offer kind words of support.  Thanks again, it is certainly much appreciated!